Password Rules



Password Rules

The password must be at least 17 characters long; 18 in a leap year.

The password must contain at least:

  • One uppercase letter.
  • One lowercase letter.
  • One letter of intent.
  • One letter of recommendation from a college professor.
  • One sub-letter.
  • One even number.
  • One odd number.
  • One three-digit prime number that doesn’t end in a “1”, “7”, or “9”.
  • One Number Four Extra Value Meal, Supersize, with Diet Coke.
  • One good reason to stay here.
  • One special character from this set: (_|_)
  • One character witness.
  • One caricature.
  • One emoji (non-fruit).

The password must not:

  • Contain your email address.
  • Contain your birthday, your wedding anniversary, your kid’s name, your pet’s name, your mother’s maiden name, or the name of your favorite Lady Gaga song.
  • Have ever been your password for any internet thing since you first got AOL in, like, 1996.  LOL.
  • Contain any two consecutive letters found in any word in any language, including the English language, sign language, HTML, Esperanto, and the universal language of love.
  • Make sense or have the ability to be remembered.

Examples of poorly chosen passwords:

  • password
  • password123
  • fuckthispasswordbullshit
  • Itwasthebestoftimesitwastheworstoftimesitwastheageofwisdomitwastheageoffoolishnessitwastheepochofbeliefitwastheepochofincredulity
  • MySocialSecurityNumberIs999458721

Example of the only password that is actually strong enough to protect you from LOSING EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER OWNED AND/OR LOVED TO SINISTER CYBER THIEVES (the following is for example purposes only; do not use as your actual password, or else… THIEVES!):

  • ¿Sj#klv2938#0254.K3ki0v$aks^la;eeihj&avsklsrj(eiso3?903w58242039((4+3jfamc<AJWK@2g39i034u”Z!!?

Error Message: Sorry, your new password does not meet the rule requirements.  Please don’t try again.  At this point you’re just too old to keep up with the exponential growth of the internet, anyway.  Maybe go off the grid and spare yourself the embarrassment?

Fade Away… NOT.


Faithful reader(s)!

If you think I’ve hung up my keyboard…

If you think I’ve decided to give up blogging and ride my tiny ripple of internet “fame” (lol) to a sensible later-life career as a spokesperson for foot-care products*…

If you think I’ve finally started to fade away gracefully…

Think again.

Read the rest of this entry »

50 Shades: Boston or Austin?

Have I read it?  Oh please.  Am I going to blog about it anyway?  YES OF COURSE.

Read the rest of this entry »

Funny? Maybe.

FYI, dear readers, “Call Me Maybe” has been stuck in my head… every.  F-ing.  DAY since I wrote that STUPID POST!!!!!  In other words, my life is a living hell.  Now, I know what you’re thinking.  “No punishment could be too harsh.”  Fine.  If this is the price I have to pay for bringing some existential meaning into all of our lives, then so be it.  Just put me on suicide watch, maybe?

On a lighter note, please find below the long-awaited video of my stand-up act from the 2012 Friendpal Talent Show.  I can’t say my routine doesn’t somehow involve (surprise!) Canadian teen pop stars, but at least there’s no “Call Me Maybe”.  At ALL.  I swear!

Comment, maybe?

If you got the reference in the title, let’s face it: you’re probably not even reading this post anymore.  (Whatever!  Good luck avoiding “Call Me Maybe” on the REST of the internet!  HA.)  If you didn’t get the reference, today is your lucky day, because I am about to rescue you from the Carly-Rae-Jepsen-free cave you’ve been living in for the entirety of 2012.  You’re welcome, dear readers.

Read the rest of this entry »

Don’t call it a comeback.

No, really.  Don’t.  To do so would imply that I was on hiatus from something–in this case, blogging–but we all know that I was not actually doing that “something” in the first place. I mean, let’s face it: I haven’t blogged in like, a YEAR, yo–and even when I did it was, shall we say, intermittent.  And largely in the form of vlogging.  Which counts!  But still.

Read the rest of this entry »