Indulge My Fantasies.Posted: September 26, 2012
Mark your calendars, dear readers: my birthday is imminent! Each year I try to take this opportunity to pause and reflect on another bygone year of my life–all of its attendant ups and downs, its triumphs and tribulations–and to really ask myself, “What presents should people buy me?”
Now believe me, I’m aware of how hard it is to shop for a twenty-something. We hate Fifty Shades of Grey; our lives are fifty shades of grey; our tastes in things like music, books, and hairstyles are fifty shades of WTF?! Plus we move on a yearly basis–is it Boston now, or Austin?–so even if you could pick a gift, you would have no idea what address to send it to.
While rent money may seem like the obvious choice (Fifty Shades of Green?), it could feel a bit impersonal–even tacky. And although the word “tacky” is arguably meaningless in a blog that deifies the likes of Carly Rae Jepsen, I’m willing to offer some alternate gift ideas. In the spirit of uncertainty, I’ll offer the pros and cons of each potential present and let YOU pick one–if you’re over the age of thirty, that is. If not, join me down here on the floor in the fetal position, where we’ll stay until the thought of making a decision passes.
Gift Idea #1. Tickets to the sold out Justin Bieber featuring Carly Rae Jepsen concert at the Tacoma Dome, 10/9/2012. ($150.00 – $500.00 on Craigslist)
Pros: This is my destiny. Somewhere along the line–I think it was the time I teared up while watching Justin Bieber: Never Say Never–my Beebz obsession lost its protective layer of irony. There’s no denying that I have a lot of feelings about the guy–but it’s not what you think. Do I want to have his babies? No. Do I want to write a doctoral dissertation about him? Yes.
Is it the lesbian thing? He looks like a lesbian. Lesbians look like him. I mean, hardy har har, right? Straight people made a (vaguely homophobic) funny? Not exactly. Upon closer examination one finds that an actual lesbian-who-looks-like-Justin-Bieber–a “biebian”, to be exact–created the tumblr. Queer-tested and homo-approved. They even made t-shirts!
I used to shrug off the whole phenomenon. Sure, I had seen the floppy Bieber ‘do around the gayborhood here in Seattle, but it’s not like I would ever choose that particular hairstyle for myself (and with good reason: my hair is about as straight as the rest of me). But one day the unthinkable happened: Justin Bieber Cuts Hair, Loses 80,000 Twitter Followers, the headlines screamed. Suddenly, it hit me:
Now I’m Justin Bieber, too. And you know what? It feels great. In fact, it makes total sense from a gender identity standpoint. I don’t feel much like a lady, nor am I a man, but pronouns like “ze” or “they” don’t quite do it for me. Beebz may be a cis male, but his image–the smooth face, the girlish good looks, the sweetly earnest lyrics–feels less like that of a stereotypical dude and more like–uh, me! Take “Boyfriend”, for example: “I can be a gentleman, anything you want / If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go”. That’s what I’m sayin’!
At first I didn’t care for the track because of the whole voice change thing, but then I realized that for boyz like me and the girlz/queerpersons who like us, this could be our song. As for the pronoun puzzle, perhaps what I need is a Bieber pronoun–“bieb”?
In conclusion, this experience would result in one hell of a blog post.
Lesbians Biebians Who Go to Justin Bieber Concerts. I’ll even promise not to write about the Carly Rae Jepsen part!
An entire dome full of Beliebers? Ow. Migraine.
Gift Idea #2. Babeland’s “Fifty Shades of Grey Book and Indulge Your Fantasies Kit”. ($184.00)
Pros: We could TOTALLY use this kit to make a porno for HUMP! 2012. Who’s in?
Cons: Based on certain product names (i.e. the Kandi Kisses vibrator) and the overall color scheme (P!NK), I get the feeling that this kit was created with straight ladies in mind. In fact, I get a similar vibe (if you’ll pardon the expression) from the Babeland website as a whole, with its pink design, his ‘n’ hers categories, and page titles that wouldn’t feel out of place on the cover of Cosmo (“Orgasm Powerhouses: Toys That’ll Knock Your Socks Off!”).
The retail shop here in Seattle features a knowledgeable and largely queer-presenting staff, but the events feel hetero-centric, and the store itself is still overwhelmingly pink, dangit! Don’t get me wrong–I appreciate the female ownership and focus, and straight women need sex toys as much as anyone else does, but I still yearn for a queer-focused sex shop in this city.
Maybe we could start one with all of that HUMP! prize money! Bieb-land??
Gift Idea #3. Get Into Graduate School, by Kaplan. ($12.48)
Pros: The title of the book is a command. I need that.
Cons: It doesn’t have a chapter on How to Earn the Bieber-Related Degree of Your Dreams. However, my colleague DJ (who studies existential phenomenological philosophy, so he would totes know) suggested critical theory. This is why I love the liberal arts. #Believe, academia!