Comment, maybe?

If you got the reference in the title, let’s face it: you’re probably not even reading this post anymore.  (Whatever!  Good luck avoiding “Call Me Maybe” on the REST of the internet!  HA.)  If you didn’t get the reference, today is your lucky day, because I am about to rescue you from the Carly-Rae-Jepsen-free cave you’ve been living in for the entirety of 2012.  You’re welcome, dear readers.

But before I get to that, I owe you guys some excuses!  So uh, yeah… about that whole glaring-lack-of-posts thing.  I can explain.  It turns out that my June and July have been somewhat… eventful.  Event #1: Unexpectedly having to move out of my apartment.  Event #2: Attending a wedding (2,700 miles away).  Event #3: Visiting family.  Event #4: Attending another wedding (2,000 miles away).

If one of the aforementioned events occurs in life, it is manageable.  Stressful (to varying degrees)–yes, but manageable.  When all of them happen AT THE SAME F-ING TIME, however, things start to feel crazy–and not the “Hey, I just met you” kind.  But like we always (read: never) say here in Seattle, “When it rains Life Stuff, it pours Life Stuff.  Also, actual rain.”  And hey, if one Personal Growth Experience is good, then four at once must be… well, let’s see now.  Good to the fourth equals… *mental math* *scratch paper* *calculator on phone*…. LIKE TOTALLY AWESOME DUDE.  Go me!  The slouch continues.

Plus, the weddings were fun.  I mean, how many weddings have you experienced that have ended up looking like…


Wedding #1. (Photo [and outfit] by Cat.)

…or this?

Wedding #2. (Photo by Cat.)

The final thing I want to say (in what has unfortunately become the longest excuse EVER) is this: thank you, to my friends and to my person, for being there for me during this eventful time.  In the words of Drake (radio version), you da best.

OK, now that we’ve all barfed a rainbow–AND forgiven me for having such a chaotic and fascinating life!–on to more pressing matters.  One thing you’ll notice here at Hair, Apparent is that I am always on the cutting edge of Extremely Meaningful and Weighty Pop Culture Phenomena of Eight Months Ago.  Case in point: I’m like, totally obsessed with this song right now!  LOL!

No but seriously. WHY DO I LIKE THIS SONG WHY GOD WHYYYY???  This is what keeps me awake at night, you guys.  The great question of our time.

Through hours of stoic horizon-gazing (aka hair profile-posing), here is what I’ve been able to pinpoint:

1. It has those synth violin thingies that helped Vanessa Carlton weasel her way into my head back in 2002.  

What is it with those?  Is the entire human brain lined with synth violin receptors?  It’s like narcotics.  Genius!  Diabolical!

2.  The lyrics are so bad, they’re… bad.  So, so bad, in fact.  

For example:

Before you came into my life / I missed you so bad

WTF?  Usually when it comes to both syntax and meaning in pop lyrics, I’m willing to suspend my disbelief in the name of a catchy beat.  Sure, “conversate” is a word.  And yeah, the lyrics to “Fergalicous” seem remotely based on the English language.  But this is just too much!  UGH.  I can’t even explain to you why the above line doesn’t make sense, because every time I start to think about it my brain explodes.


Shouting along with the “So. So. BAD!” part is so (so) fun that I think it actually erases any memory of the grammatical atrocity that just occurred.  Wow.  That’s even more infuriating/impressive than the synth violin thing.  Can you imagine what life would be like if the maniacally brilliant minds behind pop music production channeled their creative powers towards something like, oh I don’t know, world peace?  Nah, me either.  More Katy Perry !!!!!!!

3.  I have a shameful and inexplicable affinity for shiny, overproduced female bubblegum pop stars with questionable levels of talent.

JoJo.  Miley Cyrus.  Katy Perry.  Justin Bieber.  (OK fine, Biebs isn’t a female.  But I still put him on this list because he’s a cute, tiny little lesbian.  Even with the new hair.)  Why do I genuinely enjoy the songs spewed forth by these larger-than-life manufactured personas with their ridiculous outfits and inspirational feature-length films?  (I’m not even gonna ASK if anyone wants to go see this one with me.)  Only years of therapy will tell.

In the mean time, I’ll leave you with a link to Call Me Maybe Acapella 147 Times Exponentially Layered by Dan Deacon.  After slogging through this post, you may find it strangely cathartic.  Or just plain ear-crushing.  SO LISTEN MAYBE.


17 Comments on “Comment, maybe?”

  1. Ellie Taylor says:

    so. about the “call me maybe” video. WHAT IS WITH THE ENDING? it appears that carly rae jepsen’s boy-crush is … GAY…? and everyone is horrified and amused? thoughts? homophobia continues??


    • VallyO says:

      So YEAH. Cat pointed this out to me as well. What kind of queer blogger am I for not analyzing this ??? OOPS. Are you guys revoke my “I <3 Femmes" button from my hoodie? :(

      I think the band guy's facial expression says, "Uh, WHAT? Not only is this dude INTO DUDES–which I never would have guessed because we've all been socialized to associate a certain type of physical appearance with male heterosexuality–but he's hitting on ME, and my reflexive response is repulsion instead of flattery? I mean maybe I DO wanna touch his ripply abs, but I'm scared to explore that urge because we live in a heteronormative–not to mention sexually repressive–culture? And on TOP of that, my music career consists of playing bass for Carly Rae Jepsen?! OH THE HUMANITY"

      Btw Ellie — props for making it all the way through this exceedingly boring video. Clearly that didn't really happen for me, even though I was the one writing the "Call Me Maybe" post. I TRIED, you guyz! SO SO BORING. Ugh.


      • iwentwest says:

        whoa wait, id totally argue that it’s supposed to be gay friendly! and hilarious bc the whole time, he hasnt actually been hanging around for her!

        also, 100% agree on the vanessa carlton synth strings. sometimes life really is like a scene from white chicks.


  2. kat says:

    You’re amazing. I love this post. I agree with the ridiculousness of the lyrics and the grammatical atrocity, and I’m equally compelled to sing along to the “so, so bad part.”


  3. Amy T says:

    Yeah! He’s gay! And I don’t think anyone is supposed to be horrified or amused, I think it’s supposed to be like “Oh hey, joke’s on you Carly Rae Jepsen cause your crush doesn’t want anything to do with you, also by the way your grammar is horrible.”

    VAL, i didn’t know about your love for bubblegum pop stars! But SPEAKING of our girl k.per, have you heard her new song?!?! omgggg it’s so good.


    • VallyO says:

      HA omg YES. (Unicorn! See I actually watched the whole thing this time.) Gosh KP’s videos have been so “edgy” lately. I mean have you seen this one? Is this… Katy Perry exploring gender issues??? What?!


  4. Alexandra says:

    “Before you came into my life/I missed you so bad”= “I didn’t know what I didn’t know” OR “I’ve found my other half” OR “I’ve been waiting for you my entire life” kinda thing. In fact that I thought that was the best lyric of the whole thing, because of the intended syntax mess-up.

    Besides that though, she’s a whore who CAN’T sing…I saw on a talk show. :P

    I LOVE your posts AND I get the emails :).


    • VallyO says:

      OK FINE Alex. I think with the syntax I just have to begrudgingly let it happen. Kind of like when “ginormous” officially entered English dictionary.

      Also, you don’t have to be able to sing to be a pop star! So I’m fine with that.

      Thx for the blog love. I love your comments. That is all.


  5. Avey says:

    Yay! Moar posts! Yay! Moar Val! Yay! MOAR HAIR!!!


  6. BigA says:

    You are working right???


  7. sylas says:

    i know you didn’t ask, but i would totally see the katy perry movie with you. i’m not even joking.


  8. VAG says:



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