Password Rules

 

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Password Rules

The password must be at least 17 characters long; 18 in a leap year.

The password must contain at least:

  • One uppercase letter.
  • One lowercase letter.
  • One letter of intent.
  • One letter of recommendation from a college professor.
  • One sub-letter.
  • One even number.
  • One odd number.
  • One three-digit prime number that doesn’t end in a “1”, “7”, or “9”.
  • One Number Four Extra Value Meal, Supersize, with Diet Coke.
  • One good reason to stay here.
  • One special character from this set: (_|_)
  • One character witness.
  • One caricature.
  • One emoji (non-fruit).

The password must not:

  • Contain your email address.
  • Contain your birthday, your wedding anniversary, your kid’s name, your pet’s name, your mother’s maiden name, or the name of your favorite Lady Gaga song.
  • Have ever been your password for any internet thing since you first got AOL in, like, 1996.  LOL.
  • Contain any two consecutive letters found in any word in any language, including the English language, sign language, HTML, Esperanto, and the universal language of love.
  • Make sense or have the ability to be remembered.

Examples of poorly chosen passwords:

  • password
  • password123
  • fuckthispasswordbullshit
  • Itwasthebestoftimesitwastheworstoftimesitwastheageofwisdomitwastheageoffoolishnessitwastheepochofbeliefitwastheepochofincredulity
  • MySocialSecurityNumberIs999458721

Example of the only password that is actually strong enough to protect you from LOSING EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER OWNED AND/OR LOVED TO SINISTER CYBER THIEVES (the following is for example purposes only; do not use as your actual password, or else… THIEVES!):

  • ¿Sj#klv2938#0254.K3ki0v$aks^la;eeihj&avsklsrj(eiso3?903w58242039((4+3jfamc<AJWK@2g39i034u”Z!!?

Error Message: Sorry, your new password does not meet the rule requirements.  Please don’t try again.  At this point you’re just too old to keep up with the exponential growth of the internet, anyway.  Maybe go off the grid and spare yourself the embarrassment?


Fade Away… NOT.

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Faithful reader(s)!

If you think I’ve hung up my keyboard…

If you think I’ve decided to give up blogging and ride my tiny ripple of internet “fame” (lol) to a sensible later-life career as a spokesperson for foot-care products*…

If you think I’ve finally started to fade away gracefully…

Think again.

Read the rest of this entry »


Q: VALERIE. W’HAIR HAVE YOU BEEN?!

A: Putting rainbows on things!

(Um… are we at all surprised by this?)

Although it doesn’t prominently feature my hair, this video is still a must-see (must-post-on-facebook, must-email-to-yr-mom, etc.). If you have feelings about it and/or want to know more about the awesome cast & crew, check out putarainbowonit.com.

By the way… should I keep the mustache?


This is an outrage.

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In what could be the most upsetting news for Carly Rae Jepsen since that guy at the end of the “Call Me Maybe” video turned out to be a homo,

 Carly Rae Jepsen doesn’t win [!!!] at the Grammy Awards

Viewers seemed happy that “Call Me Maybe” lost and began airing their feelings on Twitter writing comments like, “I hope Carly Rae Jepsen enjoyed her 15 minutes. They are officially up.”

Wrote another: “I swear if Carly Rae Jepsen won that award over Adele and Rihanna I would’ve given up on life right at that moment [...]

Oh yeah?  Well she has a new hit single coming out soon, so take THAT, haterz!  I forget what it’s called, but it’s sure to be another Great Song of Our Time.  Maybe.


Indulge My Fantasies.

Mark your calendars, dear readers: my birthday is imminent!  Each year I try to take this opportunity to pause and reflect on another bygone year of my life–all of its attendant ups and downs, its triumphs and tribulations–and to really ask myself, “What presents should people buy me?”

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50 Shades: Boston or Austin?

Have I read it?  Oh please.  Am I going to blog about it anyway?  YES OF COURSE.

Read the rest of this entry »


Funny? Maybe.

FYI, dear readers, “Call Me Maybe” has been stuck in my head… every.  F-ing.  DAY since I wrote that STUPID POST!!!!!  In other words, my life is a living hell.  Now, I know what you’re thinking.  “No punishment could be too harsh.”  Fine.  If this is the price I have to pay for bringing some existential meaning into all of our lives, then so be it.  Just put me on suicide watch, maybe?

On a lighter note, please find below the long-awaited video of my stand-up act from the 2012 Friendpal Talent Show.  I can’t say my routine doesn’t somehow involve (surprise!) Canadian teen pop stars, but at least there’s no “Call Me Maybe”.  At ALL.  I swear!


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